Are You Uglier Than A 5th Grader?

December 16, 2008 / 10:57 am • By Dr. Melissa Clouthier

‘Tis the season of school concerts and behold the cherubic angels sing and play bells and perform vague “winter” music. But I’m not going to talk about political correctness run amok in our schools. No, today, I’m going to talk about the ugliest year in school–the year we all look back on with regret.

Fifth grade is ugly.

There were over fifty kids gathered last night. Individually, the kids are cute in an awkward, pot-bellied, big-pawed puppy sort of way. Collectively, the effect is hideous.

Teeth are too big for heads. Boys don’t care about personal hygiene and they are in serious need of some. Hormones are making bodies bulgy in all sorts of places. Girls are heads and shoulders taller than the boys. Some boys are midgets. Some look like short men. Kids are still coerced by parents, or just don’t care very much, about pants that are too short, hair that’s too straggly and long, glasses that are too big for the face, and shoes that don’t go with the clothes. Fifth grade is a fashion disaster.

And I’m not casting any stones here. I wish I could find the picture so I could scan it and show you people what I looked like in 5th grade. I’ll try to describe it. First, mom put me in a brown plaid shirt–you know, because plaid looks so good in pictures. I think I might have worn one of those bolo ties that were popular in the day. (Who could forget the leather vest stage? You know you had one.) Then there were the big man glasses. Those were awesome. They were the glasses that came with the insurance plan, don’t you know, and looked great on boys AND girls. They were straight across the top and too big with rounded bottoms. Did I mention that I carried a violin case everywhere?

There is a saving grace. In fifth grade, there still seems to be a measure of ignorant bliss. That is, the lack of self-awareness confers happiness. By seventh grade, a kid becomes aware and therefore miserable and that’s kinda sad. Wouldn’t it be great to hold on to nerdy selves and embrace it and not go through thirty years of angst trying to be something we’re not, only to come back around to who we were to begin with? It’s not like our essence changes, but we do try to package ourselves for public consumption–and let’s face it, to mate and be mate-worthy.

5th grade might be ugly, but its the beauty of the age that really makes grown-ups mourn.

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  • Snoop-Diggity-DANG-Dawg

    “Fifth grade is a fashion disaster.”

    Sometimes when I see fifth graders walking down the sisewalk, I smile as I’m just about to pass them….and then WHAM!

    I sucker-punch them and laugh as they collapse on the sidewalk! Stupid kids! They don’t know anything!

  • http://www.spiritualthingsmatter.com Viola Jaynes

    This post makes me laugh out loud!!!

    Went to my son’s first orchestra concert last night. The first half was played by 5th graders and the second half by 6th graders. I was so impressed by all of them. The fifth graders, though true what you say about them, were polished up and very proper for their performance. And let me tell you, every parent in that room was so proud and so happy. I am proud of my 5th grader for sure.

  • Jen

    Can we come to your school? Em’s 5th grade class has Justice girls and Abercrombie boys. If it isn’t a label you’ve heard about…it doesn’t belong in school. Sigh…they grow up WAY before they need to.

    And hey, I had HEAD GEAR in 5th grade…my dear mom made me wear it to school. Head gear WITH huge glasses and buck teeth. What a disaster I was!

    Jen

  • Trish

    Those glasses are much more attractive than the nasty cat’s-eye things I had to wear.

  • http://www.chl-tx.com TX CHL Instructor

    “Did I mention that I carried a violin case everywhere?”

    So did I. I recall being ridiculed by the grade-school coach for opting out of football because violin lessons were more important to me. I went on to become one of the top high school violinists in Texas (concertmaster of the Baylor Summer Symphony), and a member of the El Paso Symphony; a professional violinist before I graduated from high school.

    I now make almost as much money teaching violin lessons as I do concealed handgun license courses, which together make up about 1/3 of my income. The rest is from writing high-performance graphics software for military applications.

    My favorite movie is Revenge of the Nerds. I still wear a pocket protector (reinforced with fiberglass packing tape).

  • http://melissaclouthier.com Dr. Melissa Clouthier

    TX ChL,

    Your little story makes me like you even more. I too straddled the music-sports worlds. My basketball coach wanted me to quit violin. My violin professor at MSU was worried I’d break my fingers (did jam my fingers a lot.) Ended up with a full-ride music scholarship, but didn’t take it. I hated performing and I loathed musicians. Most thought they were more talented than they were. Everyone was a freakin’ star. Competitive as hell. Lots of work for low pay–all in all, the music world did not appeal to me. I quit music in college. And never looked back.

    Now, irony of ironies, my daughter wants me to teach her. Oy vey.

    Btw, where are you located? I need some shooting lessons.

  • http://www.chl-tx.com TX CHL Instructor

    “Competitive as hell.”

    They have to be. There are about a dozen or so openings in all of the world-class symphonies in the world for violinists in any given year. About the same number of competent violinists graduate from each of about 1000 schools every year. So you can see that the numbers are skewed badly.

    I count it as one of my major blessings that I wasn’t good enough to make it into a major symphony.

    “Btw, where are you located? I need some shooting lessons.”

    Plano, TX, a northern ‘burb of Dallas. The CHL business has been rather brisk lately, and my classes generally sell out a week or more ahead of time. But that’s not really “shooting lessons” because the range test is almost insultingly easy. I do some basic marksmanship training because an increasing number of applicants have zero shooting experience.

    I do qualify as ‘expert’ with just about anything that expels a bullet (there’s a long story behind that; I should write it up for my blog), and if you are up this way sometime, give me a shout. I’d be happy to meet with you at a range and give you some pointers.