Blast From The Past: 10 Ways To Keep Your Relationship Smokin’ Hot

April 2, 2010 / 12:16 am • By Dr. Melissa Clouthier

Relationships are difficult. I’m here to help. Here’s some words of wisdom to keep your relationship from turning dull and boring:

1. Keep the mystery alive–Too many people reveal too much too often. Why share where you’re going or what you’re doing or who you’re with. A little doubt keeps things spicy.

2. Call rarely–It’s so annoying to have your work interrupted by mindless blather about nothing. One of the biggest myths is that your significant other actually cares what you’re thinking about when you’re chomping your food on your lunch hour. Newsflash! No one cares.

3. Retreat from conflict–People often deal with conflict by trying to resolve it and talk it out. This can be a big mistake. Most likely, the things you fight about today are the things you’re going to fight about forever. Don’t resolve it. Accept it. Stay away for as long as possible. The other person will eventually get tired of being angry.

4. Don’t expect your spouse to meet your sexual needs–You should know that the best sex of your life happened before you got married or moved in together. You didn’t get married for sex. You got married for companionship, bill-sharing and maybe having a kid or two. Having sexual expectations is just setting yourself up for disappointment. Let it go.

5. Spend time cultivating interests that don’t include your spouse–One of the biggest problems in marriages is that people think they should do stuff together. Why? If you like golf, and your wife hates it, well, she’ll just have to get over it and understand that golf makes you happy. If she likes shopping, she needs to do it when it’s convenient for her. Her man will understand. Togetherness is overrated.

6. Don’t change–Be you. Until you’re your true, unchecked self, you can’t really be free. Trying to get rid of annoying habits or irritating traits is just energy wasted. A true partner will love you no matter what.

7. Don’t apologize–True love means never having to say you’re sorry. Why should anyone expect an apology? You’re doing the best you can with what you’ve got and if the person doesn’t understand it, they have the limited world-view, not you. Saying you’re sorry is for sissies. Men are emasculated enough. Women cow-tow to men too often. Stop apologizing!

8. Don’t give tokens of affection–Materialism in all its guises is just manipulation. Don’t do it. A person who needs concrete proof of love is superficial and not worth your time anyway. True love doesn’t need to be spoken or given or shared. Rings are just that–symbolic. Who needs symbols? The real thing is just understood.

9. Ignore special dates–Again, this is just a manifestation of artificial constraints imposed by society. Every day is special! Why focus on birthdays or anniversaries? They are days like any other and it’s ridiculous that people have expectations of gifts or kindness on those days.

10. Stop saying “I love you”–The words become vain and meaningless after a while. True love doesn’t need constant reinforcement. True love just “knows”. If your partner needs to hear the words, well, that’s just too demanding. Who needs demanding in an intimate relationship? Forget it and move on.

Some of these pieces of advice might seem unconventional, but really, relationships are cracking under the pressure of inane expectations. People want too much, expect too much and just generally put too much faith in other human beings. There is no perfect partner out there. You can’t be the perfect partner. Why try? Just be yourself and the person right for you will find you and love you just the way you are. That’s true love and the world needs more of it.

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  • http://www.tclehner.wordpress.com Tom Lehner

    Thank you for the great advice – I guess now I have to find me a woman that has read the same advice now dont I?

  • http://darthkeller.com DarthKeller

    Thanks for the advice, but I like being married….

  • feeblemind

    How do you keep a relationship “smokin’ hot’ when sexual needs aren’t being met?

  • http://wattsupwiththat.com Smokey

    April 1st is past.

    This article started out making sense, but by #10 I suspected a parody.

    Just try keeping silent when your wife/husband says, “I love you.”

    Going by this article, we should answer: “I love me too!”

  • http://jadedhaven.wordpress.com/ Daphne

    Is this a joke?

  • http://www.villainouscompany.com/vcblog Cassandra

    Melissa:

    I loved this post the first time around and it has survived the test of time :p I think it may be the first thing I ever read on your site.

    I write about relationships a lot and over the years I’ve noticed that men and women voice a lot of the same complaints. One of the most common is, “He/she stopped trying as soon as we got married.” Or “He/she views me as just a wallet/sex object”.

    She stopped trying to make herself attractive for me.

    He stopped making the thoughtful little gestures that made me fall in love with him in the first place.

    She stopped taking an interest in my hobbies.

    He stopped telling me how much he loves me.

    In over 30 years of marriage, both my husband and I have fallen into the trap of complacency from time to time. You assume the other person will always be there, or will always love you without wanting to put forth the effort that won their love in the first place. But it takes more work, if anything, to get along with someone day in and day out when work and home responsibilities are competing for your time and attention than it did to get along with them a few nights a week on a 2 hour date.

    The sad thing about deployments is that you suddenly miss all the thousand things you took for granted when your husband came home every night.

    The wonderful thing is that you miss the thousand things you took for granted when your husband came home every night and you realize how happy he makes you, and why you would marry him all over again.

    Thanks for the reminder.

  • Dave

    After 37 years of marriage, I guess I’ll never understand women or relationships, so I’m not really sure when this sort of advice is given straight or tongue-in-cheek.

    However, as a lover of dogs, I offer the follow adaptation of Dr. Clothier’s advice from a dog owner’s perspective:

    1. Keep the mystery alive– A given, and easy to do. Your dog is especially good at this! “What have you been rolling in?” (Ah, another mystery!)

    2. Call rarely– It is heaven-sent that dogs can’t use phones, etc. Can you imagine getting calls or text messages all day like “I’m hungry!”; “I’m lonely!”; “I need you. Now!” “I just had an accident!”, “The cat looked at me funny”, etc.)

    3. Retreat from conflict– So true. Walk away. Your anger will subside. Your dog is never angry at you anyway. He/she never takes anything personally. Just strive to be kinder and more patient — It’ll rub off on the people you have to deal with.

    4. Don’t expect your [dog] to meet your [affection] needs — No such “expectations” are necessary! Affection is a done deal and there is absolutely no performance anxiety involved.

    5. Spend time cultivating interests that don’t include your [dog]…Unfortunately, it is easy to overdo this…Just look at the populations at the shelters.

    6. Don’t change–Be you. This is the easiest suggestion of all, because your dog doesn’t expect you to be or to look like anyone else. Gained 10 lbs. last week? (Yawn…) Get in trouble with your boss? (Yawn…) Lose a ton of cash in the stock market? (Yawn…) Those are simple things that happen TO you…they are not “you.”

    7. Don’t apologize–True love means never having to say you’re sorry. (See #3 above)

    8. Tokens of affection…The real bond of love between you and your dog is just understood. The look. The kiss. The time. The kindness and attention. As someone said, “To your dog, you’re the Beatles!”

    9. Ignore special dates…Indeed, for your dog, every day is special! Why focus on birthdays or anniversaries? They are days like any other…Remember that we will probably live 5 or more days for every one day that our dog is allowed on earth. So, indeed, for your dog, every day has to be special.

    10. Stop saying “I love you”…if it bothers you to do so, because it is only said for your own benefit…True love just “knows”. It is not the words. It is the hug, the smooch, the bond, the continuity.

  • John Doe

    You must not know many Episcopalian WASPs, because most of your joke advice has successfully fortified many generations of marriages. My family’s unofficial motto is “let it drop” and that works quite well if you replace rule #10 – never say “I love you” – with the exact opposite.

    Rule #2: Why does my wife need to call me during the day? just because technology has recently made that possible? As a rarity it is sweet, but as a regular thing – she’s a highly capable adult, so this is not neccessary.

    Rule #5: No separate interests or hobbies? That’s just nuts; what would you talk about if you were together all the time? or reading the same books? “turn to page 57 honey, it’s a screamer” No thanks, I enjoy the fact that we specialize.

  • http://swoboblog.blogspot.com Swo

    Sorry for the belated response, but good stuff. I have ignorantly (though evidently wisely) lived by these 10 rules through nearly 41 years of marriage (and I ain’t turned 60 yet). As a corollary to #6: Do not expect the one you love to change. Odds are 999,999 to 1 that s/he will not.

  • http://www.villainouscompany.com/vcblog Cassandra

    You know, reading this post for the first time and reading it again years later, there is one word that comes to mind: ambiguity.

    I think that may be why I like it. Life is ambiguous. We have to shift gears constantly.

    Regarding change: I was married at 19 to a young man who was barely 20. We were poor, he was trying to stay in college – taking the strategic view. We *so* did not know what we were doing. And we had a tiny life depending on us.

    I never demanded that he change. But I encouraged him to. Over the years I have changed as well. I am a better person for knowing my husband. The differences between us have made me take risks, try new things, learn to put my selfish desires and feelings aside and look at the world through his eyes.

    And yes, we both have changed. Yet inside us – even after all these years – beats the heart of those two dumb teens who fell in love too early.

    Sometimes loving not wisely, but too well is the right answer. In the end, love sweeps away all disappointments and vain demands. What is left is something far more than you started with.

  • http://jadedhaven.wordpress.com/ Daphne

    Cassandra, as a long time, silent admirer of your stellar writing and intelligent point of view, I’m stymied by your support of this post.

    It is the antithesis of everything you’ve ever published. There is no common sense, kindness or support of healthy marriage in these words.

    This post looks like the twelve steps to easy divorce written by a complete moron who’s trying to pander to her demographic of right leaning men. Looks like they aren’t as stupid as she thought.

    Good men, alongside their good women, deserve better than this brand of destructive idiocy from a major right wing, pro-family blogger.

  • http://westsoundmodern.wordpress.com westsoundmodern

    Gotta say I’m with Daphne here. I mean whatever works for you and all but these seem like tips for f**k buddies rather than a basis for a working marriage.

  • http://www.villainouscompany.com/vcblog Cassandra

    Perhaps I was mistaken, but I always interpreted this post as satire (IOW, “Who cares what the other person wants/needs? People should only think about themselves and if the other person doesn’t care for that, too bad!”).

    There are many ways to make a point. I may have completely mistaken Melissa’s intent here, but I assumed the post was satirical in nature.

    If I’m wrong and it was serious, then I agree – it sounds more like a recipe for divorce than anything else :p

  • Jim

    Melissa,

    You’re a moron with issues who has no idea how to put effort into a relationship and you are condemning yourself to boring relationships forever.

  • http://www.tclehner.wordpress.com Tom Lehner

    Jim,

    I dont think there is a reason to be insulting; You know I wrote on several ocasions the so called “Guys Rules” and people with a good sense of Humor take it as just that a good sense of humor. No reason for anybody to be insulting, I thougt that was a great post, some is true, some makes me smile and some is just plain Humor -

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