Why Are Gay Men Let Off The Hook When They Use Women For Family And A Cover

May 3, 2010 / 4:43 pm • By Dr. Melissa Clouthier

Does the deception of being cheated on, being given a disease, being lied to, being used, matter less when a man goes out of his marriage to hook up with another man? No. And yet, it is politically incorrect to call out the bad, selfish behavior because gay men live in fear of being judged, blah, blah, blah.

Life is tough. For gay and straight people, life is tough. To literally screw over the person one claims to love and excuse it by saying “I’m gay”, well. This falls squarely into the Tiger Woods “I have an addiction” category.

The fact is, many people, gay and straight, want to live the life of a single slut and have the respectability and comfort of family life. Do they have reasons, often compulsive, culturally-driven, family-of-origin-driven, reasons for their behavior? Absolutely. Does that let them off the hook for their obnoxious and harmful actions? No.

Here is one woman’s account of being married to a gay guy. Now, she participates in her own delusion, almost from the beginning–that’s her responsibility. Still, the man she was married to lied to her over and over:

That thin fantasy crumbled on my oldest son’s third birthday, well before my chlamydia diagnosis. That day, I caught Chris hiding cash in a desk drawer. “What are you doing? What is the money for?” I demanded. He became defensive and announced, “I haven’t gone to bed with anybody, but I’ve been going to gay bars.” He said he was trying to sort out confusion about his sexuality. As the puzzling pieces of our marriage flashed through my mind — the lack of physical affection, his preferred position for sexual intercourse, his disinterest in spending couple time with me — I started sobbing and asked, “Are we getting a divorce? Are we going to counseling? Is this something you’re going to pursue?” He repeated, as before, that he was committed to our family. I desperately wanted to believe him.

He agreed to go to counseling, but we had to pay in cash and keep it quiet because of the U.S. military’s “Don’t ask, don’t tell” policy. If anyone found out that Chris was gay, he could be fired. As usual, I didn’t dwell on my emotions; I focused more on my family’s well-being than on what the future held.

This problem is often that people marry young..and the guy is still coming to terms with himself. He wants a family. He wants the image. He also wants men.

A person can make a choice one way or the other. Some have. Some men choose a family over fulfilling their sexual desires. And you know what? Life is full of all sorts of trade-offs. It is not as if a person must follow every inclination. It’s not like sexual drive cannot be overridden with character. It can be. People do it all the time.

He could also have chosen to find a gay partner. Yes, it would have presented difficulties with friends and family, but it would have been honest. It would also have spared another person the pain of deceit and disease. He would have endured the consequences of his actions–not an innocent bystander.

Gay men are not some rare species of human magically irresponsible for their actions. A gay man harms his chosen mate, deeply, when he leads a woman to believe that she is the problem.

Anyway, the cultural realities are not lost on me. Still, my sympathy lies with the woman deceived into the relationship. She needs to be given the respect she deserves. And in this politically correct universe, heaven forbid a gay man be called out on his callous actions.

To the young gay men out there contemplating their life choices: The truth will set you free. A dishonest life is a enslaved one.

Posted in Corrupted Culture
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  • http://yidwithlid.blogspot.com jeff Dunetz

    by the way it is not just a male phenomenon I have two friends who didn’t find out that their wife was a lesbian until they were married for a few years, one after the birth of their second child.

  • Melissa

    Sammy,

    I get that. And the indictment goes both ways. This article was just about a woman’s experience and in my personal life, I happen to know three cases…and it was all men.

    Melissa

  • Pingback: Dr. Melissa Couthier: The Other Kind of ‘Gay Marriage’ Not So Good, Either : The Other McCain

  • http://theothermccain.com/ Robert Stacy McCain

    Dr. Clouthier, when you mentioned “obnoxious and harmful actions,” I wondered if you were referring to my behavior in New Orleans, but (a) nobody ever caught chlamydia from an off-color joke, and (b) the less said about my unfortunate streak at the roulette table, the better.

  • http://freealabamastan.blogspot.com Paul A’Barge

    Who is Sammy? Or, who is Jeff Dunetz? I’m confused.

  • mj

    Someone I know was stood up on what was to be her wedding day by someone who later admitted to being gay. I thought that was pretty bad, though I suppose things do get worse.

  • Jeff

    As a gay man, I can’t agree more. In this day and age there is no excuse for a gay person to marry a straight person for social acceptance. This has hurt so many famalies. Be honest with your partner. If they wan’t to accept the risk of marrying a gay person than so be it, but be up front. From my observance gay people marrying the opposite sex usually ends in disaster.

  • http://www.aboutfamouspeople.info Michael

    As a gay man, I can’t agree more. In this day and age there is no excuse for a gay person to marry a straight person for social acceptance. This has hurt so many famalies. Be honest with your partner. If they wan’t to accept the risk of marrying a gay person than so be it, but be up front. From my observance gay people marrying the opposite sex usually ends in disaster.
    +1

  • J David

    In the admission of same-sex inclinations the truth may not set you free. This is part of the complex that leads to the deception which starts with SELF. Every single lie that is ever told starts with the lie to self. Self then tells the lie it has accepted, or justified/rationalized to others, for whatever reasons. There is an onus on homosexuality in society for many painfully obvious reasons, and “being honest” about one’s own leaning will imprison a person in a vast variety of ways that acting “normal”, and trying to construct “normalcy” in one’s life is an attempt to avoid.

    Society is now refusing, apparently as “compassionate”, to call what psychology and basic human biological behavior used to describe as abnormal behavior(which, if only by the numbers, it most certainly is). Those who might consider treatment for what once was considered a problem are now attacked, viciously, as are those who would treat them. The who are “in the life” are imprisoned in that life, but those who deny their leanings and keep up a facade at least get to keep family and friends, and associate that would otherwise shun them.

    There is, in all questions of human moral behavior, (and any kind of fornication and adultery is still that, gay or straight) a spiritual component that any discussion is incomplete without its inclusion. Many a historical figure, particularly in the religious realms, but in the secular realm as well, has lived completely celibate and accomplished great things uncomplicated by romantic(selfish)flamboyancy and chaos. Celibacy is NOT a sin, it is NOT self-destructive, and it is most certainly possible. Witness the most important writer of the New Testament’s position, the Apostle Paul, in 1 Corinthians chapter 7, who highly recommends it as a permanent lifestyle choice.

    Those who chose to satiate their corrupt lusts, whether they be gay or straight, and faking it, or “coming out”, WILL DESTROY THEMSELVES THEREBY, and likely will claim victims of the innocent bystanders around them. “There is a way that seems right to a man, but the ends thereof are the ways of death”, and the ends of all sin(yes, SIN!) are destructive. Attempts of society to separate their behavior and their eternal responsibility/accountability for it from a metaphysical universal moral standard mark, inevidably, the end of the society.

  • http://www.electrotechlab.com Paige Flores

    my neighbor got Chlamydia because he likes to go out with prostitutes. This is a very nasty disease.:”;

  • Anonymous

    “Gay men are not some rare species of human magically irresponsible for their actions.” No, but political correctness requires it.

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  • Kaloo

    Absolutly right.

  • Kaniya8

    Do u have a post no how man use ever girl they see but don’t wont to do nun for his self but live with his dad’s wife and he 21 and talk bad about people that try to so sun with they life.all he do is find a girl that. Is rich then get what he can then on to the next

  • Lanceslanier

    As do lesbians. This article is very biased in gender and age. This author is obviously young and only knows the generational social, religious and economical aspects within the life she has lived.

  • Lanceslanier

    As do lesbians. This article is very biased in gender and age. This author is obviously young and only knows the generational social, religious and economical aspects within the life she has lived.