Why Are Gay Men Let Off The Hook When They Use Women For Family And A Cover

Monday, May 3rd, 2010

Does the deception of being cheated on, being given a disease, being lied to, being used, matter less when a man goes out of his marriage to hook up with another man? No. And yet, it is politically incorrect to call out the bad, selfish behavior because gay men live in fear of being judged, blah, blah, blah.

Life is tough. For gay and straight people, life is tough. To literally screw over the person one claims to love and excuse it by saying “I’m gay”, well. This falls squarely into the Tiger Woods “I have an addiction” category.

The fact is, many people, gay and straight, want to live the life of a single slut and have the respectability and comfort of family life. Do they have reasons, often compulsive, culturally-driven, family-of-origin-driven, reasons for their behavior? Absolutely. Does that let them off the hook for their obnoxious and harmful actions? No.

Here is one woman’s account of being married to a gay guy. Now, she participates in her own delusion, almost from the beginning–that’s her responsibility. Still, the man she was married to lied to her over and over:

That thin fantasy crumbled on my oldest son’s third birthday, well before my chlamydia diagnosis. That day, I caught Chris hiding cash in a desk drawer. “What are you doing? What is the money for?” I demanded. He became defensive and announced, “I haven’t gone to bed with anybody, but I’ve been going to gay bars.” He said he was trying to sort out confusion about his sexuality. As the puzzling pieces of our marriage flashed through my mind — the lack of physical affection, his preferred position for sexual intercourse, his disinterest in spending couple time with me — I started sobbing and asked, “Are we getting a divorce? Are we going to counseling? Is this something you’re going to pursue?” He repeated, as before, that he was committed to our family. I desperately wanted to believe him.

He agreed to go to counseling, but we had to pay in cash and keep it quiet because of the U.S. military’s “Don’t ask, don’t tell” policy. If anyone found out that Chris was gay, he could be fired. As usual, I didn’t dwell on my emotions; I focused more on my family’s well-being than on what the future held.

This problem is often that people marry young..and the guy is still coming to terms with himself. He wants a family. He wants the image. He also wants men.

A person can make a choice one way or the other. Some have. Some men choose a family over fulfilling their sexual desires. And you know what? Life is full of all sorts of trade-offs. It is not as if a person must follow every inclination. It’s not like sexual drive cannot be overridden with character. It can be. People do it all the time.

He could also have chosen to find a gay partner. Yes, it would have presented difficulties with friends and family, but it would have been honest. It would also have spared another person the pain of deceit and disease. He would have endured the consequences of his actions–not an innocent bystander.

Gay men are not some rare species of human magically irresponsible for their actions. A gay man harms his chosen mate, deeply, when he leads a woman to believe that she is the problem.

Anyway, the cultural realities are not lost on me. Still, my sympathy lies with the woman deceived into the relationship. She needs to be given the respect she deserves. And in this politically correct universe, heaven forbid a gay man be called out on his callous actions.

To the young gay men out there contemplating their life choices: The truth will set you free. A dishonest life is a enslaved one.