Does the deception of being cheated on, being given a disease, being lied to, being used, matter less when a man goes out of his marriage to hook up with another man? No. And yet, it is politically incorrect to call out the bad, selfish behavior because gay men live in fear of being judged, blah, blah, blah.
Life is tough. For gay and straight people, life is tough. To literally screw over the person one claims to love and excuse it by saying “I’m gay”, well. This falls squarely into the Tiger Woods “I have an addiction” category.
The fact is, many people, gay and straight, want to live the life of a single slut and have the respectability and comfort of family life. Do they have reasons, often compulsive, culturally-driven, family-of-origin-driven, reasons for their behavior? Absolutely. Does that let them off the hook for their obnoxious and harmful actions? No.
Here is one woman’s account of being married to a gay guy. Now, she participates in her own delusion, almost from the beginning–that’s her responsibility. Still, the man she was married to lied to her over and over:
That thin fantasy crumbled on my oldest son’s third birthday, well before my chlamydia diagnosis. That day, I caught Chris hiding cash in a desk drawer. “What are you doing? What is the money for?” I demanded. He became defensive and announced, “I haven’t gone to bed with anybody, but I’ve been going to gay bars.” He said he was trying to sort out confusion about his sexuality. As the puzzling pieces of our marriage flashed through my mind — the lack of physical affection, his preferred position for sexual intercourse, his disinterest in spending couple time with me — I started sobbing and asked, “Are we getting a divorce? Are we going to counseling? Is this something you’re going to pursue?” He repeated, as before, that he was committed to our family. I desperately wanted to believe him.
He agreed to go to counseling, but we had to pay in cash and keep it quiet because of the U.S. military’s “Don’t ask, don’t tell” policy. If anyone found out that Chris was gay, he could be fired. As usual, I didn’t dwell on my emotions; I focused more on my family’s well-being than on what the future held.
This problem is often that people marry young..and the guy is still coming to terms with himself. He wants a family. He wants the image. He also wants men.
A person can make a choice one way or the other. Some have. Some men choose a family over fulfilling their sexual desires. And you know what? Life is full of all sorts of trade-offs. It is not as if a person must follow every inclination. It’s not like sexual drive cannot be overridden with character. It can be. People do it all the time.
He could also have chosen to find a gay partner. Yes, it would have presented difficulties with friends and family, but it would have been honest. It would also have spared another person the pain of deceit and disease. He would have endured the consequences of his actions–not an innocent bystander.
Gay men are not some rare species of human magically irresponsible for their actions. A gay man harms his chosen mate, deeply, when he leads a woman to believe that she is the problem.
Anyway, the cultural realities are not lost on me. Still, my sympathy lies with the woman deceived into the relationship. She needs to be given the respect she deserves. And in this politically correct universe, heaven forbid a gay man be called out on his callous actions.
To the young gay men out there contemplating their life choices: The truth will set you free. A dishonest life is a enslaved one.
Relationships are difficult. I’m here to help. Here’s some words of wisdom to keep your relationship from turning dull and boring:
1. Keep the mystery alive–Too many people reveal too much too often. Why share where you’re going or what you’re doing or who you’re with. A little doubt keeps things spicy.
2. Call rarely–It’s so annoying to have your work interrupted by mindless blather about nothing. One of the biggest myths is that your significant other actually cares what you’re thinking about when you’re chomping your food on your lunch hour. Newsflash! No one cares.
3. Retreat from conflict–People often deal with conflict by trying to resolve it and talk it out. This can be a big mistake. Most likely, the things you fight about today are the things you’re going to fight about forever. Don’t resolve it. Accept it. Stay away for as long as possible. The other person will eventually get tired of being angry.
4. Don’t expect your spouse to meet your sexual needs–You should know that the best sex of your life happened before you got married or moved in together. You didn’t get married for sex. You got married for companionship, bill-sharing and maybe having a kid or two. Having sexual expectations is just setting yourself up for disappointment. Let it go.
5. Spend time cultivating interests that don’t include your spouse–One of the biggest problems in marriages is that people think they should do stuff together. Why? If you like golf, and your wife hates it, well, she’ll just have to get over it and understand that golf makes you happy. If she likes shopping, she needs to do it when it’s convenient for her. Her man will understand. Togetherness is overrated.
6. Don’t change–Be you. Until you’re your true, unchecked self, you can’t really be free. Trying to get rid of annoying habits or irritating traits is just energy wasted. A true partner will love you no matter what.
7. Don’t apologize–True love means never having to say you’re sorry. Why should anyone expect an apology? You’re doing the best you can with what you’ve got and if the person doesn’t understand it, they have the limited world-view, not you. Saying you’re sorry is for sissies. Men are emasculated enough. Women cow-tow to men too often. Stop apologizing!
8. Don’t give tokens of affection–Materialism in all its guises is just manipulation. Don’t do it. A person who needs concrete proof of love is superficial and not worth your time anyway. True love doesn’t need to be spoken or given or shared. Rings are just that–symbolic. Who needs symbols? The real thing is just understood.
9. Ignore special dates–Again, this is just a manifestation of artificial constraints imposed by society. Every day is special! Why focus on birthdays or anniversaries? They are days like any other and it’s ridiculous that people have expectations of gifts or kindness on those days.
10. Stop saying “I love you”–The words become vain and meaningless after a while. True love doesn’t need constant reinforcement. True love just “knows”. If your partner needs to hear the words, well, that’s just too demanding. Who needs demanding in an intimate relationship? Forget it and move on.
Some of these pieces of advice might seem unconventional, but really, relationships are cracking under the pressure of inane expectations. People want too much, expect too much and just generally put too much faith in other human beings. There is no perfect partner out there. You can’t be the perfect partner. Why try? Just be yourself and the person right for you will find you and love you just the way you are. That’s true love and the world needs more of it.
Vice President Dick Cheney threw the whole intolerance meme on its ear with his very progressive stance regarding same-sex marriage. In contrast, President Obama, the progressive’s objet desire, holds very, very, very traditional views. Marriage is, says Barack Obama, between one man and one woman.
Why don’t gay people get mad at the President? It’s simple, really. They know he’s lying.
President Obama knows that the issue is a political loser. So do gay activists. For the greater good, gay activists won’t push the President. They will hypocritically maintain their silence. They will be willingly silenced by the President because it serves the Democrat’s purpose.
Is anyone astonished and appalled at the hypocrisy around this issue? We shouldn’t be. The Left has a long record of political expedience around this and other social issues. Remember President Clinton’s treatment of women? Yeah. And they love, love, loved him!
Maybe President Obama isn’t lying. Maybe he really does hate gay people. The first rumblings of this notion are up at Kos:
So why is Obama silent on gay issues? Is it because he has too much to do? He’s had a change of heart and now is anti-gay? In an effort to be “bipartisan” and “compromise” with the far right wing, he’s the throwing gays under the bus? He just faked support of gay rights since Hillary Clinton already had the “conservative Democrat” vote locked up in the primary anyway?
Nah, patience friend. Your cream frosting dreams will come true. Consider: President Obama wants to get re-elected. He needs the support of blacks and Catholics, two very solid Obama voting groups. He wants to keep them happy. And after re-election all the campaign promises will be be fulfilled.
It’s politics. I’m actually surprised that there is one idealist on the left who doubts this.
Ann is getting married! Yay!
P.S. Ann is a blog friend and blogger.
My blog friend Robert Stacy McCain sent me a link to his latest article, where he admonishes a young man for his blown chance at a suitably smart hottie. He probably thinks I am never going to link his piece, but that’s not true. I’ve been pondering it, instead.
Robert’s article coincides with a dear friend’s search for a good man. I recounted how, at the end of her date on Friday, the guy leaned in to give her a good-night face lick. I am not kidding. And as if that insult wasn’t enough, the man requested that she bite his neck and scratch his back. He was divorced (huh, I wonder why), professional and good looking. What in the hell?
Perhaps with the advent of technology or the decline in formal social protocols or the increase and ubiquity of porn or the elevation of the pop culture, people have just lost the ability to know what to do on a date. Note to men: face licking is a no-no. In fact, I feel safe in saying that if you take face licking out of your whole wooing repetoire, no one is going to complain.
One of the problems with online dating is the false familiarity it can provide. A person can share intimate details, have good conversations in that format, but there’s no accounting for in-person chemistry. And then, once in person, there is a tendency to be over-familiar. The physical part of the relationship can be too much too soon. Just because one person on IM feels the vibe doesn’t mean the other person does.
I know of successful dating outcomes from online dating. In fact, I’m thinking of two happily married couples right now. So, the method works for lots of people and works well. There are advantages, too, to learning how a person’s mind works before seeing the body.
When a person meets face to face, the mind connection can get lost in the body chemistry data. The problem these days is that people don’t give themselves enough time in person to get to know the mind. More than a few relationships fail because the chemistry brought a couple together but that’s all that’s there.
So it seems like there’s a dichotomy. Guys like Robert mentions have trouble “closing the deal”, but why is there pressure? He meets her. He likes her. She likes him. They can continue the conversation…that’s all dating really is. In this rushed world, time pressure, business, activities of life interfere with relationship building. Ironically, the pressure to move a relationship into the physical realm often short-circuits the inherent pleasure of getting to know someone and connecting with them. Online dating can help or hurt this process. So can in-person dating.
Dating has always been challenging, but it seems that in the deluge of busy-ness and information, relationships often stay in the superficial realm. Relationships are treated as snacks to nibble on and a good full meal rarely gets experienced. That’s how you can end up with so many unmarried young women and so many men who have trouble “closing the deal”. There’s too much pressure–time, cultural, sexual–all the way around.
Do You Chase The Biker?
If the picture is good enough…..maybe.
You Might Need To Be Taking “Day Without Gay” Off If….
…this doesn’t work for you.