Lost In “Manslations”
Wednesday, March 18th, 2009I was sent the following article by someone who remembered my April Fools post about what men need to do to keep their relationship hot. That article set off the most bizarre set of circumstances. People believed I was serious. Men sent me adoring letters and thanked me for sharing the truth. It was amusing and disturbing all at once.
So a new book “Manslations” has been released. Here’s a snippet of a review from CNN:
Actions speak louder than words. Sure, not a novel idea, but this “duh” lesson is one that can take years to learn. If it looks, walks, and quacks like a duck, then it’s a duck.
Mac’s Golden Rule? Whenever there is any conflict between what a man says and what he does, always, always ignore what he says.
There is no such thing as a man dumping you because he is afraid of getting hurt, is frightened that his feelings are too strong, or because he finds you intimidating. Mac says to think of the simplest solution — is it that this man sensed you were the perfect woman for him, who touched him so much in deep, important places that he couldn’t handle? Or was he just not feeling it?
It’s OK to call him first — and if you get blown off, it’s not because you called first. This is my favorite piece of advice from Mac, who says the mistaken conclusion women come to when they call first post-date and get blown off is that the call made them look clingy and spooked the guy.
“This is not how it went,” says Mac. “If you called him and he blew you off, it went like this:
1. You had a great date, and he did not.
2. He planned to blow you off.
3. You called him, and nothing changed.”
Good to know about the calling part. Men aren’t all that complicated to me. But women are all unique, I readily admit. Robert Stacy McCain wrote a piece about the differences between men and women and this part was especially insightful:
Words like “thoughtful” and “sensitive” describe the qualities necessary to cooperate effectively with women. One must carefully monitor one’s interactions with them, gauge their reactions and adjust accordingly. For most men, and especially for hyper-rationalizing men like Ziegler, this is a terrifying tightrope walk across an abyss.
Most men are not naturally thoughtful and sensitive in that way, and they resent having to devote effort to “relationship management”—a task at which they suck— when it would be a far more productive use of their time to concentrate on doing the things they do best.
And yet, men want access to women so they make the effort, or sometimes do. Many men give up. The benefits of companionship don’t outweigh the challenges the relationship brings.
This natural mysterious back in forth will continue forever. What does disturb is the impulse by feminists to want to remove the masculine. There has been a concerted attempt to demonize typically masculine behavior. Worst of all, many men seem to have conceded the argument. Says McCain:
All we ever hear from them is bitch, bitch, bitch—especially when a man dares call attention to their faults. Gentlemen, you are guilty of cowardice for not speaking out more strongly in your own defense, and in defense of your fellow men.
What I wonder is if the crisis in American leadership can be traced to the crisis in manhood.
Cross-posted at RightWingNews
Talking About Men Again & Enduring Prohibition
Tuesday, March 3rd, 2009I have written on manliness before since I dig manly men and find the softening male culture…well, boring if nothing else. Men and women are made different and their differences make life interesting. The sexual revolution resulted in a boring world where men are metrosexuals–all pointy-toed shoes and manicures, and women are butch she-beasts. In both cases, what can be identified as uniquely masculine or uniquely feminine are lost. People are neutered.
I don’t want a neutered world. I want a world where being fully female and fully male is valued. Tom Flake guesting at Brutally Honest describes the man he wants to be:
I am “Old School”. In a previous era I may have been considered macho. I prefer combat sports (boxing and mixed martial arts) to team sports (baseball and basketball). I prefer outdoor activities (rock climbing, whitewater rafting and camping) to video games. I prefer competition to cooperation, and may the best man win. All too often today, macho self-confidence is confused with “a*shole”, “arrogant”, or “pig-headed” particularly when it entails any interface with the gentler gender. I believe that in this era of feminized, emasculated, gender-neutral, neutered, politically-correct, “my right to not be offended, trumps your freedom of speech” era, many men who would otherwise voice their opinions have chosen instead to be quiet and pine for a better yesterday. Yet, straight shooters who opt to solve problems rather than wring their hands over them, is exactly what we need.
We have come to a point in American society where straight shooters are viewed with suspicion and loathing. Saying the truth in a direct manner “hurts people’s feelings”. Using logic means that “you don’t care”.
The culture encourages warped stereotypes by creating women heroines that can best their male counterparts physically, when it’s patently false. (Wonder Woman had magical powers to help her. I’m talking about human women with superhuman powers.) Can you imagine a woman kicking John Wayne’s butt?
The culture encourages “hooking up” when it creates a superficial sexual environment that diminishes the soul and spirit. Women wonder why men won’t commit. Men wonder why they should.
The culture shows disrespect for men. There are too many examples to list. Don’t be too tough. Don’t be too anything.
The culture shows disrespect for women. Don’t be too mommy-ish. Don’t be too successful at work.
America has become The View–both women and men are hectored to death by clucking hens, peck, peck, pecking the culture into “nice” submission. We are all enduring prohibition still. Bossed and nagged, both men and women are cowed into submission lest they be branded immoral.
I’m tired of it. I’m tired of things you can’t say. I’m tired of typical female and male behavior being pathologized. I’m tired of weak leaders and shrinking, scared thought-leaders.
If America is going to rise from this ash heap, someone will have to lead. Weak men and pious, pouty women won’t do it.
Cross-posted at RightWingNews.com
Dispensing With Social Niceties
Thursday, February 19th, 2009Dating can be a hot mess and not the so-bad-she’s good Tara Reid kind, either. As I wrote last week, with the new technology, lack of family cohesion, and cessation of social rules governing all sorts of behavior, people are doing some crazy things (face licking) and thinking it’s normal.
Exhibit A:
If you’ve watched the news at all (I don’t, but I saw the cover of the National Enquirer and other weeklies at the grocery check-out on Sunday), you know that the pop singer Rihanna (featured on this blog in the song Life Your Life) got tuned up by her boyfriend Chris Brown. And by tuned up, I mean her face was severely beaten and she was choked and had to go to the hospital for chronic and persistent head aches (I’m guessing a concussion.)
Now, the reaction by the guys at the counter at H.E.B., one black two white, was this: Rihanna must have done something horrible like give Chris an STD or something because a dude just doesn’t hit the face of a woman because he’s angry.
Exhibit B:
A friend of a friend got tuned up by her husband (who is, by the way, a worthless slug, but that’s another story) because she cheated on him. The person who relayed the story to me defended the husband’s behavior and said that it was understandable that he would beat her like that because of how she disrespected him.
There used to be rules governing this sort of thing. Women stayed virginal and prized that virginity because it gave them great power. Men knew that in order to get nooky from a respectable woman, he’d have to make a commitment and then, once the commitment was made, he received, in return a woman who would more likely be faithful to him and who would be a good mother to his children, etc. She knew that he had self control and respect for her.
Another rule: A man simply would not hit a woman. Period. Ever. These days, though, women are portrayed in movies, on TV, in books, etc. as equal to men in physical strength which is simply not true. So you have guys beating on women and women winning, when, in real life the likelihood of that happening is slim and none. In addition, people possess less conflict-resolution skills and resort to unhelpful behaviors like yelling, screaming, name-calling, physical aggression and sometimes ending in physical violence. This used to be unacceptable. These days, three guys in a grocery store and an acquaintance can spend time arguing to me that it’s acceptable for a guy to beat the heck out of his woman when he’s “disrespected”.
This is what happens when there is no honor and there is no shame and there are no rules for engagement.
So that’s social norms. And the new norms breed babies, STDs, beatings, and misery.
The Pressured Dating Game
Monday, February 16th, 2009My blog friend Robert Stacy McCain sent me a link to his latest article, where he admonishes a young man for his blown chance at a suitably smart hottie. He probably thinks I am never going to link his piece, but that’s not true. I’ve been pondering it, instead.
Robert’s article coincides with a dear friend’s search for a good man. I recounted how, at the end of her date on Friday, the guy leaned in to give her a good-night face lick. I am not kidding. And as if that insult wasn’t enough, the man requested that she bite his neck and scratch his back. He was divorced (huh, I wonder why), professional and good looking. What in the hell?
Perhaps with the advent of technology or the decline in formal social protocols or the increase and ubiquity of porn or the elevation of the pop culture, people have just lost the ability to know what to do on a date. Note to men: face licking is a no-no. In fact, I feel safe in saying that if you take face licking out of your whole wooing repetoire, no one is going to complain.
One of the problems with online dating is the false familiarity it can provide. A person can share intimate details, have good conversations in that format, but there’s no accounting for in-person chemistry. And then, once in person, there is a tendency to be over-familiar. The physical part of the relationship can be too much too soon. Just because one person on IM feels the vibe doesn’t mean the other person does.
I know of successful dating outcomes from online dating. In fact, I’m thinking of two happily married couples right now. So, the method works for lots of people and works well. There are advantages, too, to learning how a person’s mind works before seeing the body.
When a person meets face to face, the mind connection can get lost in the body chemistry data. The problem these days is that people don’t give themselves enough time in person to get to know the mind. More than a few relationships fail because the chemistry brought a couple together but that’s all that’s there.
So it seems like there’s a dichotomy. Guys like Robert mentions have trouble “closing the deal”, but why is there pressure? He meets her. He likes her. She likes him. They can continue the conversation…that’s all dating really is. In this rushed world, time pressure, business, activities of life interfere with relationship building. Ironically, the pressure to move a relationship into the physical realm often short-circuits the inherent pleasure of getting to know someone and connecting with them. Online dating can help or hurt this process. So can in-person dating.
Dating has always been challenging, but it seems that in the deluge of busy-ness and information, relationships often stay in the superficial realm. Relationships are treated as snacks to nibble on and a good full meal rarely gets experienced. That’s how you can end up with so many unmarried young women and so many men who have trouble “closing the deal”. There’s too much pressure–time, cultural, sexual–all the way around.
Depression Causes Depression In Men
Sunday, February 1st, 2009From the New York Times:
Mr. Steuer, 43, was recently laid off from his job at a small research business. “It’s hard not to imagine yourself as the breadwinner,” he said. “A lot of your ego eggs are in the job basket. I can’t shake the psychology that I’m supposed to provide.”
And this:
Terrence Real, a family therapist and the founder of Real Relational Solutions in Arlington, Mass., said the difference in reactions could be explained by the idea of performance esteem.
“Everyone who has written about male psychology has acknowledged that men base their sense of self on the maxim that ‘I have worth because of what I do,’ ” Mr. Real said. The feeling is that “you are only as good as your last game or your last job,” he said.
In his practice over the past 12 months, Mr. Real says, he has seen a roughly 20 percent uptick in the number of men seeking help because of the economic downturn.
Dr. Richard A. Friedman, a professor of psychiatry at Weill Medical College of Cornell University, says he has seen a sharp increase in distress among male patients who were already in treatment before to the economic crisis. In addition, he said he had evaluated 20 to 25 new male patients whose chief complaint was anxiety and depression because of the crisis.
“Considering that women tend to seek psychiatric help more often that men, what I’m seeing is striking,” he said.
The solution is simple: Get the men back to work. There’s more than one reason the Great Depression. How do you get them back to work? They either find a job or create a new business.
I’m a little concerned about all these infrastructure jobs. That will help some. But the biggest losers in our modern economy will be white collar workers. They are unlikely to pick up a hammer, or to feel good about it if they have to, I think. More depression trying to do work they’re not suited for.
Latest Pajama’s Media Article: Pointy-Toed Shoes
Monday, December 22nd, 2008Hey guys, you got the story first, but a more expanded version of the Men In Pointy-Toed Shoes article is here (with an indictment of Santa’s femininity, too!). It went up two days ago, but I’ve been out of the flow.
Long Hair & Men
Wednesday, December 17th, 2008Long Hair & Men
A hair-cut once created relationship misery.
Revenge Of The Nerds?
Thursday, December 11th, 2008So nerds suffer in the short term:
Researchers in Australia surveyed 185 men and women, ages 16 to 25, at the University of Sydney on their sexual history and STD knowledge. Responses to questionnaires revealed that “art students were younger [and] more likely to be sexually active” than science students (who, presumably were too busy doing homework to get out and get busy).
And on average across groups, males were less likely to have had sex than females.
As for the reasons behind the disparity between art chicks and science geeks, lead author Bernadette Zakher, of the university’s Department of General Practice, reserved comment, saying that the survey did not delve deeply into demographics or sexual history, “There isn’t enough information for conjecture.”
Nature podcast editor Adam Rutherford has a few ideas. “I just hate it when stereotypes are right,” he posted on the UK’s Guardian website. “The research does not go into the potential causes of this lack of bedroom activity by my boffin brethren, nor does it detail the worthy sacrifice of cheap carnal thrills for rational agility and mental development, which I have convinced myself lies at the root of this problem. That, and the personal hygiene issues.”
I’m guessing, though, that they win in the long-term. They’ll have fewer STD’s, attract smart women (also likely nerds and virginal), make more money, and live longer (smarter people have longer lifespans).
Hang on, nerds, there’s hope!
H/T Ann Althouse
Cross-posted at RightWingNews
“Teenie Weenie Fail”
Thursday, December 11th, 2008“Teenie Weenie Fail”
Some guys have all the luck. And some guys just don’t get it.
Men In Pointy Toed Shoes
Monday, December 8th, 2008Being in the fashion center of the universe (well outside of Paris), I observed a couple things: New York women wore scant make-up and hauteur in equal measure. And they wonder why they are single? Ladies, if you’re over 30, you need a little help. Black continues to be THE color in New York. Anyone wearing a pastel is viewed with suspicion. Finally, some, not all, men are wearing pointy shoes.
Like wide ties, curly perms, and powder blue tuxedos, pointy shoes are going to fall into the category of what-the-hell-were-we-thinking? Watching a grown man trip down the sidewalk in court-jester shoes made me giggle. And these style mavens were soooo serious, dahling. Just to clarify, I’m not talking shoes like this, these dress shoes are part of the sartorial arsenal of boring professional men everywhere. No, I’m talking about this and ew, these.
Have men become a nation of effeminate elves? The shoes curl up at the point. It’s embarrassing for women to wear those sorts of shoes. On men, it takes all of the fore-brain evolution to suppress the primal urge to laugh and point.
Ir you’re a stylish guy, fine. Still, you risk derision if you become a slave to fashion that is patently ridiculous (pardon the pun). And another thing, most men have wide, serviceable feet. (They also have legs, which, according to Ann Althouse, should be covered. Me? I like a nice turn of the calf, but at a certain age, the legs need to be covered, always.) Wide feet and pointy shoes don’t mix. Why even try?
Even if you look like James Dean, pointy toed shoes on a man scream sissy. Stop the madness men. And don’t get me started on eye-liner-wearing men. Help us all! We’ve become a nation of vacuous, pubescent girls.
Cross-posted at RightWingNews.com
